"The place God calls you to is the place where you deep gladness meets the world's deep hunger meet"

I went on a day-long prayer retreat on Saturday. It was such a revealing day.

The prayer retreat was on a gorgeous farm on the outskirts of my Appalachian city. It was a (relatively) cool August day, and most of the retreat was spent in silence. We were introduced to so many prayer techniques, including a breathing exercise. On the inhale, we were taught to address the Lord. On the exhale, we were taught to speak (or think) a petition. I found two to be particularly helpful; "Speak, O Lord / For I am listening" and "I trust you, Lord / and all is well"

All in all, it was a day for listening, rather than sharing my thoughts with God. And I was actually surprised to find that I listened all day, and I heard God speaking.

If you spend your life growing up believing that you had been abandoned by God, the idea that God listens and speaks is so hard to accept, and is something to be learned over and over, time after time. But I tried anyway, and the things I heard were so difficult to accept and to hear.

In short, I believe that I am called to be a pastor.

Call is such a difficult thing to hear, and it is so hard for me to accept that I am called to be a pastor. Fredrick Buechner says "The place God calls you to is the place where you deep gladness meets the world's deep hunger meet", and my greatest gladness is in God and making room for people to learn their great worth, their human dignity. And I believe the world needs someone to care for the sheep, to let them know the great love that there is for them.

And beyond that, I believe truly that the abuse I have suffered can be redeemed in work as a pastor. Though someone tried to break me, I am whole. And though someone did things so awful to me that I should never be happy again (and that I thought I would never be happy again), I am so happy in my life. In a way, they are already being redeemed in this way, and for this I am glad. I also want to be a beacon of light for the world to see, so that someone who suffers as I did might be able to find solace in knowing my story.